hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Basketball games are very squeaky.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose