It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
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The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked