Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?