[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
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The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.