Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*