“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good