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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*