All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Same post same
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]