me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
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Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
#titanic
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.