me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.