i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
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[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
he looks great for his age
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.