Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
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You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?