My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.