Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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I put the mess in domestic.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.