Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on