Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
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Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.