5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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Okey dokey.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
The future is now.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court