Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
the rocks need my help
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first