Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
At an art museum and I thought this was art