When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer