everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
This is a sub tweet
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”