Life is a suicide mission.
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kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
oh my gosh!!
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.