Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
You Might Also Like
Check out the legs on this baby
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?