I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
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I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.