Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name