Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
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Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT