Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
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[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)