DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I have obtained a hat
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Squirrels before girls.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?