Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
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I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
describing stardew valley
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”