The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
everyone’s a critic
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?