One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
me 2 months after i graduated
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man