Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
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the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.