There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
You Might Also Like
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’