Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
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You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
is this how new cars are made??
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.