Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.