Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
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Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.