Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.