You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Is this you?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Get in loser we’re going crying
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”