[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
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When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa