I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
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be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.