Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy