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Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I laughed at this way too hard.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy