business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
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If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.