Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream