If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
You Might Also Like
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks