When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
A classic…
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If looks could kill
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man