If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
White parent Vs Arab parents
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
kids play hide and seek like
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
cat vs inanimate object
That took me a moment.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.