no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!