My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!