Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
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Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
what’s the point then??
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.